To bastardize both Mark Twain & Phil Phantom:
“The Difference between the Right press release and the‘Almost right’ press release is the difference between ‘Mary was fingered by John,’ verses ‘John fingered Mary!’

The 13 Commandments to
Writing An Interesting Press Release
- As opposed to a boring one -

1.) Thou shalt write a document
– That Says something and has a Point.

Why bother wasting several hours (or days) of your precious time on a collection of words that doesn’t actually say anything about what you are announcing? No one wants to hear what you like, or don’t like. No one wants to know your opinionionated views. (In an Editorial - yes, in a Press Release - no…) They want NEWS, they want Stuff that is Happening!

But - what DO you talk about?

When you're buying a microwave oven, what exactly do You want to KNOW about it? What it can do for YOU, right? How about: Is it Fun? Entertaining? CONVIENIENT to use? Can you offer a Demonstration, or better yet, a Sample?

THAT'S what goes in that press release. Just remember to pass on your juicy tidbits in small, bit-sized chunks. Ahem - use Small choice words. They’re easier to swallow. Sharks only frenzy when their hungry for more.

2.) Thou shalt write a document
– That mentions Everything that is Relevant to your News and contains ALL NEEDFUL INFORMATION.

If you are writing a Press Release on the latest HUMONGOUS COCK porn titles released by STUDIO HUGE, for goodness sake, don’t forget to include:

- The contact information.
- The Site name & URL address to get yours!
- Are samples available to see the humongous penises in action?

A press release doesn’t just say: “Hey! Stuff is Happening over Here!” A press release also says how you can get yours AND includes all the places where you can stick it!

3.) Thou shalt write a document
– That NEVER Assumes that the readers knows what the heck you’re talkin’ about!

How many times have you had to sit down with someone that has never seen a computer before and explain a double-click on a mouse? How about, how many times you've had to explain that anything that starts with http:// can be typed into the white bar, below all those buttons at the top of the Web-page, and it will get you somewhere? (New emplyees anyone?)

So, while you’re writing your press release about your latest Wiz-Bang-Gizmo, what makes you think that the reader knows what the Fronhopper Equation is – or how important it is to keep it from fluctuating? (How many Anime freaks in the audience?)

But ~ Your article is for an industry specific magazine, right? So? You think ONLY Industry specialists read those press releases?

What about the executive-type business folks who might be interested in investing in a company that produces innovative, guaranteed to be hot-sellers, Wiz-Bang-Gizmos? (Hey! That's You!) And they happen to get a hold of your company newsletter? Do they know about the Fronhopper Equations and their fluctuations? Probably not.

4.) Thou shalt write a document
– That is INTERESTING to READ.

Face it – if You don’t find the article interesting – NEITHER WILL ANYONE ELSE. I use humor and euphemisms to spice up my boring news.

Example:

The News:
Now available at AEBN: Max Hardcore streaming feed.

The Press Release:
If your members are into brutal and shocking, shoving it where the sun-don’t-shine, sport-humping, then your site needs Max Hardcore! Seemingly sweet teen babes, sport ponytails, high heels and talk to the camera while they’re being fudge-packed by Max himself. Whether he’s with an inexperienced teen or sophisticated model, Max provides the same vindictive, back-door commando, water-sport action!

5.) Thou shalt write a document
– That contains stuff Relevant to what you are writing about – and NOTHING ELSE.

If you are doing a press release on how big Molly Mastodon’s gigantic boobs have grown over the years, there is no need to talk about what brand of jeans she prefers to wear over her bubble butt. An article about her Bubble Butt shouldn’t have to share stage-time with her Boobs. A Butt like that deserves its own press-release.

6.) Thou shalt write a document
– That Says what you are attempting to say, not just flirt with it.

Just Spit It Out, damn it! If you are announcing the fact that Dick Richardson has just had yet another penis extension then actually write about his penis extension. How long was it? How long did the surgery take? Did his boyfriend like it? Leave the stuff about how many boyfriends he’s had in the past two weeks for a different article – Don’t waste your SPACE!

7.) Thou shalt write a document
– in the VOICE OF GOD.

Borrowed from: Phil Phantom’s Guide to writing Good Trash:
- “In the writing world we have two kinds of voice: Passive and Active.

Passive voice is for wimps, fairies, and limp-wristed momma's boys.

Active voice is the voice of power, action, and drive. Active voice knocks you on your ass, kicks you in the balls, rips out your heart, shows the bleeding pumper to you, then spits in your fucking face while squeezing you to death.

Guess which voice we write in? That's right. Active voice is direct, to the point, no nonsense, cut and dry.

God speaks in the Active voice . God didn't say, "Thy neighbors wife shall not be coveted by you." Hell no, He said, "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife." If God wrote the Ten Commandments in the passive voice, they would sound like the Ten Suggestions. When He writes like a God, you know you'd best not covet your neighbor's ass, neither."

8.) Thou shalt write a document
– Using the right word – not its red-headed step-child and / or cousins.

Why write Metropolitan for a dollar when you can get the same price for urban? Hell, Why bother writing Adult Entertainment Film Actress when you can get the same money for Porn Star?

Style – that’s why. The trick is to figure out what Style you want your article to be. It’s not just – John Fingered Mary… It’s HOW John did the fingering!

Is your style crude, rude & socially unacceptable?
- “In the news today, John shoved his finger in Mary’s twat…”

Or with some class?
- “In the news today, John salaciously wriggled his fingers deep within Mary’s moist panties…”

9.) Thou shalt write a document
– And use the SPEL CHEK!

Jus cuz U no wut U want 2 say duzzent meen enny-1 els duz. Most people seeing crap like this in their email scream: VIRUS! No, just bad spelling.

10.) Thou shalt write a document
– With Paragraphs.

White space is your friend. One huge block of text can be very intimidating – especially to the average Joe reading your Press Releases.

If it isn’t delivered Fast, Hard & EXCITING!!! They’re going to cringe past your press release and go on to the next.

SHORT attention spans are what you're dealing with here. K? Assume that you readers consider perusing the TV Guide as reading for entertainment. (It's probably true.)

11.) Thou shalt write a document
– Then PROOF READ it.

Have someone else read it – OUT LOUD. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did. For example: If you have to stop to take a breath before you finish reading a sentence – then that sentence is too long. Pull out any AND’s and insert PERIOD’s or at the very least, a COMMA.

12.) Thou shalt write a document
– And stay in one tense (present, past, or future) especially within one paragraph.

Past: John fingered Mary.
Present: John is fingering Mary.
Future: John will finger Mary.

If you can’t see the difference – then you shouldn’t be writing Press Releases for anybody. Hell – you shouldn’t be writing e-mails.

13.) Thou shalt write a document
– That doesn’t get carried away with long detailed cum scenes, like your hands went spastic all over the fringe keys.

Oh wait – that’s for writing porn… On second thought, not necessarily.

The sign of a good press release is that it says everything that needs to be said, on ONE SHEET OF PAPER. No more.

WHY? ‘Cuz the average person reading your announcement, (especially a busy Webmaster) is in a hurry and Really doesn’t have the time to waste on actually pouring over each and every word.

Education teaches us that the more words we can stuff on a paper – the better the grade. Well, human nature and basic marketing says otherwise. Proceed at your own risk.

The Format that I use:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
(TODAY’S: month, day, year.)

Suggestive Title
- Factual Subtitle

- AEBN.com - Adult Entertainment Broadcasting Network (http://www.aebn.net) has done something neat-o, and really cool!

Subtitle if nessisary
- This is what they’ve done in excruciating but EXCITING! detail! Don’t forget to use bullets and / or dashes to make stuff LOOK interesting, as well as make the reader smile and say “Wow! I got’ta have that!”

Don’t’ forget!
- Mention every detail
- Use the least amount of words to say something
- Don’t Repeat yourself
- If you already said it in another way – don’t mention it again.
- This is not a commercial – you LITERALLY don’t have the space to waste

Here's a SAMPLE or DEMO!

Get Yours HERE!

For more information on the neat-o keen stuff at AEBN
Contact:
Some Guy – with this title
Some Company
At this e-mail
At this Phone number

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